FUNDACIÓN VÍCTIMAS DEL TERRORISMO 96 - ENGLISH

70 TESTIMONY For years, I did not even speak about the attack. I met colleagues who had also ex- perienced it, and we never talked to one another about what had happened. But a moment came when I realised I needed professional help. It was 28 years after the attack, around 2010, when I returned to Baeza for our class’s twen- ty-fifth anniversary. That reunion brou- ght back the memories and nightmares more strongly. In 2013, I began psychiatric and psycholo- gical treatment, and in 2017 I was assessed by amedical board. I left active service and was diagnosed with chronic, irreversible post-traumatic stress disorder, resulting directly from the trauma of the attack. WHAT HELPED YOU FACE WHAT YOU HAD LIVED THROUGH? My family was crucial. First my parents, then my wife and son, who have been fundamental to me. Also my psychologist and psychiatrist. I have been in treatment for years and am still working on it. I cannot forget what I saw. Those memo- ries and experiences will always be there, but now I can manage them differently. I have learnt relaxation techniques and tools for coping with intrusive thoughts. The memories remain, but they no longer have the same power over me. YOU GIVE TALKS IN SCHOOLS, SHARING YOUR TESTIMONY. WHY DID YOU DECIDE TO TELL YOUNG PEOPLE YOUR STORY? In 2017, I decided to take this step becau- se I believe young people should know first-hand what terrorismmeant and the consequences it left for those of us who experienced it. At first, they think they are going to hear an old story. I tell them what my life was like before joining the Civil Guard, what happened that day, what came afterwards and my situation now. When I reach the attack and explain in detail what I expe- rienced, their faces change. Many have no real idea of what terrorism meant. WHAT HAPPENED AFTERWARDS? I got off the bus and, about 200 metres later, collapsed. Two local police officers picked me up and took my pistol. The first thing I asked was whether I had lost my right eye. I had a severe facial injury, but they told me I had not lost it. They drove me to La Paz Hospital in their pa- trol car, and I was admitted. WHEN DID YOU BEGIN TO REALISE THE FULL EXTENT OF WHAT HAD HAPPENED? At first, I was in shock . I knew many peo- ple had died, but it was not until I was in hospital that I really began to take in what had happened. There, I learnt that some colleagues had died and gradually became aware of the reality. WERE YOU AND YOUR COLLEAGUES AWARE OF THE RISKS OF BEING A CIVIL GUARD OFFICER THEN? Yes, we were aware of the threat. The ei- ghties were very hard. A month before the attack, there had been another attack on the Civil Guard in Madrid that killed several colleagues. We knew we could be a target, but you are 20 and think those things can happen to other people. We had only been out of the Academy a few months, and it happened to us. RECOVERY BEGAN AFTER THE ATTACK. WHAT WERE THOSE FIRST MONTHS LIKE, AND HOW DID YOU FACE RETURNING TO THE CIVIL GUARD? The hardest thing was understanding what had really happened and asking why they had tried to attack me. Then, gradually, everything returned to normal. You went back to your posting and no- body asked how you were or whether you needed psychological support. Suffering a terrorist attack seemed to be part of the risks of being a Civil Guard officer. I also remember a superior saying something that stayed with me: “You are no hero.” From there, you have to decide whether to carry on or leave. I decided to con- tinue. I became a kind of “super Civil Guard officer”. I built a suit of armour around myself to try to stop anything hurting me and retreated into my com- fort zone, devoting myself body and soul to my profession. At the time, I thought that was how to move forward, leave what had happened behind and focus only on my work. WHEN DID YOU REALISE YOU NEEDED HELP? Over time, the physical wounds healed, but those of the soul remai- ned. Guilt, vulne- rability and mis- trust appeared… “You are 20 and think those things can happen to other people”